Expectations

Guest blog from Chaim Avinu

From the moment we are born people have expectations of us and as we grow we learn to have expectations of ourselves and others.  What do expectations really mean?

The World Dictionary defines ‘expectation’ as:

• the act or state of expecting or the state of being expected
• (usually plural ) something looked forward to, whether feared or hoped for: we have great expectations for his future ; their worst expectations
• an attitude of expectancy or hope; anticipation: to regard something with expectation statistics: the numerical probability that an event will occur

I find it remarkable that the word cannot be defined unless it is put into a sentence, which gives me the impression that the word itself has no real meaning or value, but it is the value we place upon it that gives it its true meaning.  I believe the word “expectation” implies that the choice has been made for us.  We are no longer in control, but still have the responsibility to complete the ‘task.’ It holds us back; confines us to someone else’s idea of who we should be, rather than allowing us to have the freedom to become who we are. 

If expectations hold us back, we need to find a word to use instead; allowing us to complete the task without the expectation.  The answer is to set ourselves goals.

Why choose goals over expectations? 

I believe expectations have a negative connotation; anger, frustration and disappointment occur when we fail.  When we meet an expectation there is little or no reward because it was a ‘given’.  Goals are associated with positive emotions such as motivation, happiness and excitement.  We are taught to reward ourselves when we reach a goal and if they are not met we are taught to stay positive, pick ourselves up, brush ourselves off and start over again.

By learning to replace expectations for goals it allows us to grow and gives us the freedom to be who we are.

Emotional Investment

Guest blog from Chaim Avinu

We usually associate the word ‘investment’, in terms of finance or the stock market.  People buy shares in a company with the expectation they will make more money in return. So then, what is emotional investment?  As in the definition above we can say that, one would put a certain amount of feelings into something or someone and expect the same if not more back in return.  If this does not happen in either situation, we ‘cut our losses’ and move on.  There are some people who will continue to invest even when they are losing, which forces them further into ‘debt’ or negative emotional investment.

If we can begin to be aware of the investments we make in our daily interactions with each other, we are able to better control our emotional return, ensuring that we continually stay or strive to be in the positive (feelings of being happy, content). 

How can we do this?

We all wish to be happy, but how do we know when we are happy, what measurement do we use.  The use of ‘emotional points’ can help.

Emotional points is a scoring system, where we assign a value to our feelings.

Positive feelings = 1 point. (happy, contentment)

Neutral feelings = 0 points. (indifferent)

Negative feelings = -1 point. (anger, frustration, sadness)

Start the morning with 10 points and throughout the day as you interact with the people and environment around you, you rate your feelings. Gaining or losing points depending on how the situation made you feel.  At the end of the day you add up your emotional investment.

Did you lose, stay neutral or gain?

Ending up more than what you started with, shows that you have had a ‘happy’ day or positive day. You may even decide to reward yourself with an extra 5 points.  By rewarding yourself with a bonus you make yourself happier and can receive another point for creating a positive feeling.

 If you ended up at the starting point, you were neutral most of the day.  By giving yourself an extra point bonus for not falling into the negative, you have put yourself in the positive and therefore you are entitled to the 5 point bonus for being in the positive.

If you are in the negative, make sure you cut your losses and stop negatively investing because you will have to continue to minus points. The best thing to do is say something positive, eg. ‘At least I didn’t beat myself up’ or ‘It was hard but I did the best I could’ a positive comment will make you feel positive and stop the ongoing negative investment. 

What we need to remember is to be mindful of the emotions we attach or invest in our everyday interactions and try to make as many of them a positive experience, causing perpetual positive investment.  We must always ensure that we try to avoid investing in a loss in the first place and also recognize when we have invested too much.

I believe in time it will become second nature to weigh up the investment you are about to make and make it a positive one.